Well, I certainly did not post on this blog to document the last year as planned! I am now TWO, that’s right, two days from teaching my last official lesson. If I teach in the future, it will be on a one-off basis. I am passing on all my regular students to three young teachers, all three of them my “cello daughters”, which is amazing and wonderful.
The past year has been long and hard. It has been a difficult final decision to stop teaching entirely and somehow the idea of writing down the complicated events and my endless thought processes of the last year exhausted me even more than living through them. And, hoo boy, it was tedious, so much back and forth rumination and mind changing and analysis- I got sick of my own company. I have found myself drawing inward, away from everyone in my life except my husband, who, poor man, has had to live though listening to my endless going on and on and on.
There are so many reasons I have chosen to do this, and they vary from utterly practical-imagine! I can eat dinner before 9:15 PM every evening!…to existential- “who AM I if not a cello teacher?”…to altruistic-the young up-coming teachers need their chance! ….to intensely practical-can I lean forward to write in a student’s music any more times or will my back give up the ghost for good and all?
At some point I may be writing about it. I don’t know. But the decision is taken, the last seven lessons are tomorrow and Wednesday, and that evening, at 8:01 PM I will loosen my bow, and walk out of my studio for the last time in thirty-seven years.
I love writing and surprised myself by my huge fizzling out of energy and intention with respect to this blog. I feel the small stirrings of wanting to move out into the world more. And, if it happens, it truly will be “beyond grammacello”, this time.